It has been a long time since I wrote anything on this blog. Thought I should give an update.
I have been talking to a brother. It has been one black hole filled with confusion. One after another there has been obstacles, from my side, from parents side and then from his side. Oh don’t forget the third party. And yet somehow, one after another each obstacle passed. I prayed istekhara, and keep praying to Allah to take him away if he isn’t the one. But he isn’t gone yet. Things are very uncertain right now. The whole thing started out me being very negative, then I became positive, and now I am just neutral, I want to see where this goes. My family and friends were also negative at the beginning, maybe because of how I was feeling at the beginning, and then somehow they became positive as well once they found out more about him. He was positive in the beginning, but something I said made him unsure. I understand why, and I understand his views, his feelings and his perspective, but I do not regret saying it. According to Islam, it is my right, and he should know that if he is going to come in. Maybe some day I will write about it, when there is an ending. Right now, the ending is unclear. He is coming to visit me soon inshaAllah. So I am waiting. My family is also waiting. Let’s see what happens.
A note: If third party gets involved, they should really learn to differentiate between their reaction, and the reaction of the two people who all this is about. They cause a lot of miscommunication, and bring in more confusion. But Alhamdulillah.
Besides marriage something else has been on my mind. SubhanAllah, marriage is the least of my worries right now. 2012 is a really big year for me and my family. A lot has to happen, or the thing I fear and the thing we have been trying to avoid for the past 14 years will come true. Sometimes when I think about it, I feel like a huge burden has been placed on top of me, I feel constricted and suffocated.
Then I turn to Allah (swt) in prayers and supplication, and he lightens my burden. I can breathe again alhamdulillah. When I think about it, I see a mountain that I don’t know how to move. But when I remember the power of Allah (swt), I realize the smallness of the mountain. I remind myself of all the times that Allah (swt) has saved me before when I had given up hope. I know whatever happens will happen for the best. I just have to be patient and push to my limits. Allah (swt) is most merciful, the most loving. He blessed me with this situation so I can turn to him, and increase my iman alhamdulillah. So I can realize how powerless and weak I am, and how powerful he is. I know whatever happens in the end will happen for the best, whether I see that couple of years down the line, or in the hereafter, so why should I worry?
I went to a lecture yesterday, and subhanAllah, I kept thinking this lectures is about me and my family. Allah (swt) is so loving, that earlier that day when I prayed to him, he answered my prayers, he answered what course of action I should take, he told me the words I needed to hear through this lecture. The topic was about “importance of placing trust in Allah (swt)”. The things that the speaker spoke about, the example he used, were examples that could be about us. One thing he said that stuck out was, if we are to look at our difficulties, we will not find any difficulty that the prophet (sas) hasn’t gone through. SubhanAllah, so whenever we are going through something, let’s look at the life of the prophet, and see how he dealt with it. Allah (swt) never places a burden on us that we can’t handle. And he tests us to purify us. So when something happens, let’s speak to him before we speak to our friends or family. Let’s say innalillahi wa innailaihi rajioon. Let’s say alhamdulillah before we can complain. Let’s accept our situation, our tests, let’s accept that everything is from Allah (swt). And use our tests, our difficulties, the challenges he places in front of us to rise above and get closer to him, inshaAllah.
laa hawla wa la quwata illah billahil alyul azeem.